Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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