I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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