it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
