I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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