I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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