My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
