I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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