My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
