I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
