i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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