she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
