and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
