I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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