this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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