I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
