Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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