I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
