remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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