yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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