Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
