my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
