Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
