i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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