I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
