I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
