Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
