Got a toothbrush?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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