Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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