I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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