I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
