Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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