I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
