'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
