Umm I'm too high to move.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
