12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
