I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
how drunk are you?
Several
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
