The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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