we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
