dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
