I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
