you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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