dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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