Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
