Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
