Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
