He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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