New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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