if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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