Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
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Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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