She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it was like eating out sand paper
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
