the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
