Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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