when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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