just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
