some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
