True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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