So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My feet surprised me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
