are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
